My Time To Mourn

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“ ¹To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: ²A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; ³A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; ⁴A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; ⁵A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; ⁶A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; ⁷A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; ⁸A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (Emphasis Mine)

Today has been a rather rough day for me. I read through this passage today, and felt it appropriate to post with this blog because it is so applicable for the season I am in.

I woke up feeling well, until my almost 2 year old, Charlotte, took a crayon to my brand new recliner. Not only did I lose my composure and yell at my sweet baby (who was frightened by my antics), but I began to weep over my chair, my silly stinking chair! Today has been a day that I have not exercised much self-control, and I find myself wanting to weep for what seems like no reason at all.

I know the Lord sees my hurt and is fully aware of my inward pain and struggle. I know that He hears my cries for comfort, and I know that while I weep and mourn, He holds not only my sweet baby Hope, but all of my babies whom I have never held. While this does bring me tremendous peace, it also causes, at times, especially more now, feelings of great emptiness. My womb is now empty; again, and I so long for it to be filled with new life again.

It is a strange and awkward dichotomy to mourn and rejoice at the same time. Seems as though the two things should mix more like water and oil, yet they blend together as though they were meant for each other.

I want to yell and scream. I want to cry until my eyes are so swollen not one more tear could possibly be squeezed out. I am desperately angry, yet I haven’t a clue who to be angry with. I want to run until I no longer know why I am running. This is the “not so glamorous” side of the grieving process for me. This is the part where I could stay in bed all day, and not speak to a single soul. This is the time when I plead with the Lord to take the pain away and to erase the memory of ever being pregnant.

This is my time to mourn, to weep, to yell, to scream, to be angry, to quite literally, breakdown. However, while this is how I am feeling and the emotions I am dealing with at the moment, I have a husband and children to care for. Supper still needs to be prepared, clothes still need to be washed, and life still needs to go on. This is the very hard part because while I feel at an impasse; a standstill, everyone else around me is going on with their lives, remarkably unscathed by the loss of my baby. There have been a thousand “it will be ok” statements. Will it? Is it “ok” to lose a baby? Will it ever be “ok”? Of course my questions are rhetorical in nature, and I don’t expect anyone to amuse me with an answer. I inherently know the answers already.

So, here I am, wounded, torn into pieces on the inside, but trying so very hard to keep it together on the outside. And today, dare I say, the inside struggle I am having, found its way out; lured out by an innocent sweet Charlotte coloring on my new recliner. This was not my only “lose it” moment, but it was to me the most significant one, and I think it paints the picture of my agony rather clearly.

I mourn, I weep, I scream, I hurt so much in my soul that I feel as though I cannot breathe. Oh Savior won’t you come and rescue me? I feel helpless, and am in need of a peace that surpasses all understanding; a peace that only Jesus Christ alone can give me.

I covet everyone’s prayers at this time. My faith is not gone, and my hope still remains in the same Jesus that raised me from the dead and has extended much grace and mercy to me. I know that there will come a time for dancing and much more rejoicing…but today is not that day.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

Matthew 5:4

Serving God and My Family,

Crystal <>< (SAHM)