“…and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Ephesians 5:33
This verse has come up several times recently, as has the issue of wives not respecting their husbands in the manner in which they speak about them when they are frustrated with something their husbands are or are not doing. This is a pet peeve of mine, mostly because it is highly disrespectful to the husband being slandered, and he is not present to defend himself. I am often reminded during times like this that there are always three sides to any story; the wife’s side, the husband’s side, and the truth.
I am sure we all get a bit frustrated with something our husbands are doing or are not doing, however, we must be very careful and cautious how we speak about our husbands to other women (or men) in an effort to vent our frustrations. The person we ultimately should be taking our concerns to is the Lord, as He is the only one who can search the heart and convict of sin. There are times where a wife (or husband) may need to seek godly counsel on an issue, but even that should be carefully prayed about beforehand. Our marriages are a sacred union that is supposed to be an earthly symbol of the relationship between Christ and the Church (His Bride). Interestingly enough, God’s word tells us the operating order of the marital relationship in Ephesians 5:22-33. We need to remember this order as it may be very helpful during times of frustration where it becomes easier to say and do things that dishonor our husbands, thus dishonoring ourselves and our families.
Many times I think wives have this idea that everyone else’s marriage is perfect, and fall into coveting what other women have. Scripture tells us quite clearly in Exodus 20:17 that we are not to covet anything that belongs to anyone else. There are no perfect marriages. Every marriage has its frustrations and things that need to be worked through. As Christians we are constantly being conformed into the image of Christ, which leads me to believe no one is a perfect wife or husband. We all sin daily, and we are all in need of God’s grace and mercy. We need to keep this in mind when we begin finding fault with everything our husbands do or don’t do.
One thing I think wives tend to forget is that we are the ones called to be the “keepers at home”, not our husbands. So, if a husband doesn’t clean dishes or help out around the house, he is not necessarily sinning. In most cases I think our husbands feel inadequate to help around the house because most of us wives (whether we will admit to it or not) have a certain way we like things, and often times we’ll follow our husbands around correcting everything they are not doing “our way”. Or we simply get frustrated when we find that our husbands didn’t clean the kitchen or make the bed in the manner we like it done, and then we find ourselves asking why we asked for help in the first place.
I believe that every woman has been tainted by feminism in one way or another. This becomes very evident to me when wives (including myself) complain about their husbands not helping around the house, or more specifically not being able to read our minds on what we want done and how we want it done. Getting frustrated with our husbands over issues as I have just mentioned are not sin issues in our husbands (or even character flaws) they are sin issues in us! Often we demand or expect things of our husbands that they are not biblically required to do, nor do I believe they were created to think as we do when it comes to matters of managing the daily chores of a household. If it were so, then God would never have created woman to be man’s helpmeet (Genesis 2:18). Our husbands are our ministry according to Genesis 2:18, so we need to be very careful with what we demand of them and how we speak of them to other people when we are frustrated.
My husband and I were talking about this issue last night, and he made a statement that I think rings true for most women, and I think it stems from the feminist movement and that is “Women think they are part of some “sisterhood” that allows them to complain about their husbands with other women without restraint”. I think my husband’s observation hit the nail on the head. As fallen women, the Lord tells us that our desire will be to lord over our husbands in an effort to control them, but that our husbands would be the ones ruling over us (Genesis 3:16). The feminist movement has been tooting the horn that women are being oppressed by their male counterparts and thus we have ample reason to complain. This mentality goes against everything the Lord tells us a wife should be.
We are to love and respect our husbands (Ephesians 5). Our husbands should be able to trust us with their honor and dignity (Proverbs 31:11). When we tell other women, even those who we are close to, about all the faults our husbands have, we paint a less than honorable picture of our husbands which ultimately shames him and us. This is surely not doing “good” to our husbands (Proverbs 31:12), which shows more evidence of our own selfishness, pride and sin than it does proving how uncharitable our husbands are to us. Even in the case of an unbelieving spouse who does not have a desire to obey the Lord, the wife really needs to be careful with how she speaks of her husband, because how does she know that she won’t be the very one the Lord uses to bring salvation to her husband? (1 Corinthians 7:16). If the believing spouse is constantly slandering her husband and airing all of his flaws and sins, then how is she being a godly helpmeet to him, especially given that she is not without sin?
God is purposefully acting in our lives (Romans 8:28-29) and is not caught off guard by the situations we find ourselves in. Our focus should always be on Him and not ourselves (Hebrews 12:1-2). When we complain to others about the things that our husbands do that get on our nerves we are actually being very narcissistic, while slandering our husbands in the process. If our husbands are sinning, then we should confront them AFTER much prayer, asking the Lord to guide us in confronting our husband through His word. When the time comes to confront our husbands, we need to proceed in meekness with much humility and gentleness. Mrs. Martha Peace gives some wonderful biblical advice in her book “The Excellent Wife” on how we should confront our husbands on sin issues: (p.42-44)
1. We need to be sure to choose the right time. (Ecclesiastes 3:1,7)
2. Make sure we are choosing the right words and not lashing out in anger and frustration. (Proverbs 15:28)
3. We need to make sure that when we confront our husbands about a sin issue that we are also comforting to him as well. (Revelation 2:2-3)
4. We need to be specific with what sin our husbands have committed and offer a biblical solution. This is why we need to search the scriptures BEFORE confronting our husbands. (1 Thess. 5;18, Ephesians 4:25, Philippians 4:6, and James 1:19-20)
5. We also need to remember to communicate a spirit of unconditional love. No matter what sin our husbands have committed we need to show unconditional love for them, just as Christ shows towards us who belong to Him and have been given MUCH grace through His blood. (Romans 5:8)
We also need to remember that we are sinful and not perfect. This means that our husbands have a duty to correct us as well, and how we respond to correction speaks very loudly about where our own hearts are. “Even if your husband reproves you in an angry or unkind manner, you are still responsible before God for how you respond back” (Peace, 2005, p.45).
One thing that every godly wife should be doing each day is praying for their husband. I am not talking about praying that he would do things that make our lives easier! If your husband is sinning and you have confronted him about the issue, and he continues in his sin, then you need to pray that the Lord would change His heart so that GOD will be glorified. Either way we should be praying for our husbands. Many of our husbands work out in the world and are constantly under attack from the enemy who seeks to destroy everything that the Lord has made good, especially our marriages. We need to remember that many of our husbands labor very hard to provide for our needs, and even our wants. God created woman to be a “helper suitable” for the man (Genesis 2:18). We need to keep that in mind every day and ask ourselves “is what I am doing helping my husband or harming him?” Slandering and complaining about the shortcomings or flaws in our husbands to others is most certainly NOT helping them, but is ultimately bringing harm to him and our families.
Three books I recommend for wives who seek to the glorify the Lord in their marriages are “The Excellent Wife” by Martha Peace, “Passionate Housewives Desperate for God” by Jennie Chancey and Stacy McDonald, and “Feminine Appeal: Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother” by Carolyn Mahaney. All of these books have helped me to understand the biblical role of a wife and while often times convicting, these ladies offer biblical evidence and support that have greatly encouraged me over the years.
I pray that each day you will pray that the Lord would search your heart and reveal and sin or ill will you may have towards your husband. Ask the Lord to show you YOUR OWN short comings, and then repent of your sin. Our husbands are our #1 ministry and we need to remember that our job is to do good to them, not harm them with slanderous words. Soli Deo Gloria!
Serving God and My Family,
Crystal <>< (SAHM)
