Serving God and Family: My Testimony

I suspect that every year people use a particular day or week to reflect on their lives and give thanks for all the Lord has done. This is my week for reflection. I have shared with you all for the past several years about my testimony and how the Lord saved me (You can read through the posts here). Last night we attended a new Reformed FIC church for worship and fellowship and we (Malachi and I) were given an opportunity to share our testimonies. As I was giving a bit of background on my childhood and young adult life I got to the part of my testimony where I killed myself: October 10, 2011, and it dawned on me that the next day (today) would be that anniversary. Wow. Seven years ago today I took my life.

Moment of Silence.

Remembering all of this brings with it a very heavy sense of reality. Had the Lord not saved me that day, I would be in hell. I was not saved then, although I did say the “Sinner’s Prayer” and was baptized at the age of 12 or 13. I’ve known for years now that I was not saved then, and wasn’t saved when I committed suicide. I hated God. My life was never a reflection of His presence in me. I was an unregenerate filthy heathen that only lived to satisfy myself. Yeah, I wore the cross, and could quote John 3:16 but I did not “know” the Lord as my personal Lord and Savior. I was still a slave to sin. God’s wrath was upon me and I was at enmity with Him every single day. I abused narcotic medication. I found comfort in alcohol and was a sexual deviant. I was disgustingly depraved and had no inclination that I was; remember, I said the “Sinner’s Prayer”. I owned a Bible with my name engraved on the front cover that I purchased when I was 15 or 16 – never read it. I gave the illusion that I was a Christian by merely saying “Yeah, I’m a Christian”; but had absolutely no idea what that meant and was never encouraged to find out nor was I ever encouraged or instructed on how to live as Christ. Being a “Christian” in my family or in my circle of friends was more like being an LSU Tigers fan; it just happens to be the team I associate myself with. I was not a “real” team player.

The Lord chose to save me. Why? I did not, and still do not, deserve it. I did nothing to merit His compassion. In fact, I did everything to merit His wrath. I can speak with absolutely certainty that He saved me for His glory alone. He proved Himself Sovereign and merciful the day He opened my eyes (literally) to His presence. My initial reaction to being alive was anger and then when He made His presence known, despair and shamefulness. I was ashamed of what I was compared to Who He Is. He softened my heart and brought me to repentance. He loved me first and chose me to be His own. I was fully aware of depth of my depravity which also made it quite clear as to the magnitude of His grace and mercy.

Here I am, seven years later alive, and more importantly alive in Christ. I am no longer a fake or fraud. I know Christ and live my life to glorify Him alone. I know what the scriptures say now, and by His grace I can obey Him. When I stumble, He is faithful to restore me to an upright position. He has blessed me with a loving Godly husband who protects me as a husband should. I am the blessed mother of 8 children and the Lord has allowed me to keep 3 of them to raise up in the fear and admonition of the Lord. My past is always in the forefront of my mind, reminding me of the Lord’s goodness and mercy. I did not and still do not deserve His compassion. Soli Deo Gloria!

Father God, I thank you that you saved me and that You continue to shape and mold me into the imagine of Your Son, Jesus Christ. Please keep me humble before You, and may You alone receive the Glory and Praise for my life. In Your Son’s Holy Name, Amen.

“So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy.”

Romans 9:16

Serving God and My Family,

Crystal <>< (SAHM)

Where to begin…?

These past few weeks; months rather, have been extremely trying for me. The subject of Reformed Theology vs. Arminianism has come up on several occasions, and thus has caused strife and division, and rightfully so. Some people have been stunned when they become aware that I am Calvinist, which is Reformed Theology, defined by the Doctrines of Grace. Hence the reason for my last two posts on the issue (read them here and here). I have been more stunned that people have been stunned by my theological positions, especially if anyone has read my testimony or has heard my testimony straight from me. There is absolutely no way that one could come to the conclusion that I would agree in whole or in part with the doctrines of Arminianism.

My life prior to my conversion was all about me. While I did say the “sinner’s prayer” and was baptized at 12 years of age, no one ever explained to me my “need for salvation”. All I was told to do was, “ask Jesus into your heart”. There was no mention of “repentance” or that I had offended a Holy and Righteous God. John 3:16 was hammered into my head, but never was the “anger of God” ever mentioned to me. The whole reason to “get saved” was to avoid hell. Does anyone else see how ridiculously wrong this was, and how I was preached a “false gospel”? Is there really any wonder why I lived a life of sexual promiscuity, indulgence in alcohol, abuse of pain killers, and eventually the taking of my own life? I believe my life took the logical conclusion of one who is not saved. I don’t think anyone can refute this. How could I, in and of myself, freely have chosen Christ?

I WAS DEAD!

Dead in my trespasses.

“And you hath he quickened, who were dead in trespasses and sins;” Ephesians 2:1 KJV

I had no desire to serve God, however, I did like being associated with the “saved group”. I did like the message that told me that “once you say the sinner’s prayer, you are saved, from now until eternity”.

Oh, didn’t that just sound lovely?

When the wrong gospel is preached, then a wrong/false conversion takes place.

When a wrong and unbiblical view of God is taught, then a wrong and unbiblical view of man is accepted. I was DEAD in my trespasses. I inherited a sinful nature, thanks to our first father, Adam.

Adam was created good (Genesis 1:31). Adam and Eve were created in such a way that they had the free-will to choose to obey God, or the free-will to choose to disobey. Once disobedience was chosen over obedience, then their nature became fallen. Now they, and we, became “slaves to sin” (Romans 6:20). We have all been born slaves to sin, unable to choose to do anything that is good (Genesis, 8:21 and Romans 3:10-12) We lack the ability to obey God, without His Sovereign intervention, which regenerates our hearts, like the shock paddles a paramedic or doctor uses to resuscitate a stopped heart. Once our hearts have been regenerated by God alone, are we allowed, enabled, or become capable of repentance. Then we are able to place our faith (which is ultimately given by God Himself, (See: Romans 12:3) in Christ, and declare that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, who was crucified on the cross, (killed dead) and was raised on the 3^rd day, conquering death and the grave (1 Corinthians 15) for those whom the Father had elected before time and placed in the hands of Christ (1 John 10:27-29).

If my salvation was ultimately left up to my own choosing, I would have been buried sometime during the middle part of October 2004. There is NO ONE else who receives the glory or the credit for my life or my salvation other than GOD ALONE. Anyone who asserts that I chose God on my own; that I co-labored with Him to bring my salvation to pass, is either unregenerate themselves, knows NOTHING of the “Amazing Grace” of God, or has believed the very same lie that Satan beguiled Eve with when he said “you surely will not die!” (Genesis 3:4).

Those who reject the Doctrines of Grace, which are merely nicknamed Calvinism, reject the Biblical teaching of a man being “DEAD” in their trespasses. They must take an unbiblical belief in that they are only “wounded” by their trespasses. They must be the ones who believe that “God helps those who help themselves”.

Let me make myself very clear on this next part…

When I lay there in that hospital bed after swallowing lethal amounts of narcotics, antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication, and anti-nausea medication, unresponsive, on life support to keep my body alive until family members could come and say “goodbye”, and by all medical reasoning DEAD, how could I possibly “help myself” or have the ability to “choose” anything? I had made MY choice, and that was DEATH! I chose that which was consistent with my fallen nature; rebellion against a Holy, Righteous and Just God!

Now, don’t miss this next part or you’ll miss everything…

GOD CHOSE ME!

Did you get that part?

GOD CHOSE ME!

He raised me from the dead, revived my heart, regenerated my heart by HIS grace and mercy, and opened my eyes to the TRUTH, and then, and then only, was I capable of choosing Him. HE forced me into a corner and made me submit to HIS WILL, which was to reconcile me back to Himself FOR HIS GLORY and FOR HIS PURPOSES!

He did to me what He did to Jonah, to Jacob and to Paul. He was unrelenting in His will being accomplished through the person HE CHOSE! HE wrestled with me, HE chose me, HE regenerated me, HE worked in me to change my will, HE revived me, HE renewed me, HE gave to me a measure of faith which caused my belief. HE, HE, HE, HE, HE!!!!

HIS WILL BE DONE, not my will. If God had left me to my will, I would be dead; experiencing His Just wrath, to which I deserve! Praise God for His Sovereign election! How can I possibly buy into the filthy doctrine of Arminianism or any doctrine that elevates man to a position higher or equal to God?

I can’t stand when people appeal to emotion, and I can’t stand appealing to emotion, however, this subject of “God’s Sovereign Will” or “Man’s Free-Will”, is an emotional one for me. I know, in the realest of ways, through my conversion testimony that I DID NOT CHOOSE GOD APART FROM HIS CHOOSING ME FIRST!

Yes, man has “free-will”. Man is free to operate as his fallen, wicked, and evil will would have him do. So, it is not “free” as those “free-willers” would have you to believe. It is “limited” by man’s fallen nature to freely act, behave and think according to that which is in opposition to God’s standards.

The only way our will can change is if God authors it.

We are HIS creation. Who are we to demand something of Him? Who are we to say He is bound by our choice or lack of? Who are we to tell Him what He can and can’t do with His creation? Who are we to accuse Him of being unjust in electing some and not others? The doctrines of predestination and election are clearly defined in scripture. Those who take issue with it are those who have an over-inflated sense of their own importance.

Everything that God creates and does is for His purposes; so that His majesty is revealed to the entire world. He does everything for His own glory, and can demand and command it because HE IS GOD!

The entire book of Romans declares the Sovereignty of God. The book of Romans declares that God can do what He wants, how He wants, and preordain as He pleases. I am not so bold to lay an accusation against Him of being “unfair”. Who am I to even have a clear determination of what is “fair”? And who says that God must be “fair” to mankind? Who are we that we should command or demand anything from Him? We are at HIS MERCY! God is Just and we must submit our sense of fairness to His immutable Justice. What He does is Just, and hence is always fair, regardless or our ability to acknowledge it.

Does this cause division between me and those who reject Reformed Theology? You better believe it. If the foundations are different, then we cannot agree on anything after that. If our beliefs about God and His Sovereignty are different, and our beliefs on the condition of man are different, then what can we agree on? Everything builds from these foundations.

With Reformed Theology, God is the Author, Sustainer and Finisher of my life and my salvation. With Arminianism, Pelagianism, and Semi-Pelagianism, man is the author of their own salvation, and God merely helps them along. God is NOT my “co-pilot” and I am NOT His “co-pilot”; He is the only one who knows how to control the plane!

While I am still studying John Calvin, I do not hold to the Doctrines of Grace because of John Calvin. I hold to them because they can be demonstrated through scripture to be true. When each book of the Bible, and each passage in scripture is approached with the “who”, “what”, “when”, “where” and “why”, then each passage is complementary to all of the other ones. There is not one passage of scripture that an Arminian can use that a Calvinist has an objection to, or threatens their position.

Many people who oppose Reformed Theology or Calvinism do so (quiet often and deliberately) by way of making personal attacks on John Calvin. They attack his “person” rather than his theological position, in order to invalidate the Doctrines of Grace (also known as “the 5 points of Calvinism” or “TULIP”).

“Ad hominem is Latin for “to the man,” indicating it is not really the subject matter that’s being addressed, but the person” (Moore & Parker, 2007, p.174). In the 11^th Edition of Irving M. Copi and Carl Cohen’s Introduction to Logic, ad hominem is defined as; “An informal fallacy in which the object of attack is not the merits of some position, but the person who takes the position” (2002, p.623). The form of ad hominem that many like to use against John Calvin and those who adhere to Reformed Doctrine is one called “Argument Ad Hominem, Abusive” in which “participants in strenuous argument sometimes disparage the character of their opponents, deny their intelligence or reasonableness, question their integrity, and so on. But the character of the individual is logically irrelevant to the truth or falsehood of what that person says, or to the correctness or incorrectness of that person’s reasoning” (Copi & Cohen, 2002, p.143).

Another logical fallacy that many use to refute Calvinism is called the genetic fallacy. “The genetic fallacy occurs when we try to “refute” a claim (or urge others to do so) on the basis of its origins or history. For example, a person might “refute” the idea that God exists on the grounds that belief in God first rose in superstitious times or on the grounds we come to believe in God to comfort ourselves in the face of death” (Moore & Parker, 2007, p.176). There are many people who will reject Reformed Theology because of something they have been told about John Calvin’s character or something he allegedly did or didn’t do. This is classified as a straw man, “when a speaker or writer distorts, exaggerates, or otherwise misrepresents an opponent’s position. In such a case, the position attributed to the opponent isn’t a real one, it’s a position made of straw, and thus more easily criticized and rejected” (Moore & Parker, 2007, p.177-178). “The ad hominem fallacy attempts to “refute” a claim on the basis of considerations that logically apply to its source. The straw man fallacy attempts to “refute” a claim by altering it so that it seems patently false or even ridiculous” (Moore & Parker, 2007, p. 179).

Another logical fallacy that seems to be the favorite of those who oppose Reformed Theology or Calvinism is the use of a Red herring and the use of smokescreens. “When a person brings a topic into a conversation that distracts from the original point, especially if the new topic is introduced in order to distract, the person is said to have introduced a red herring. (Moore & Parker, 2007, p.160) “The difference between red herrings and their close relatives, smokescreens, is subtle (and really not a matter of crucial importance). Generally speaking, red herrings distract by pulling one’s attention away from one topic and toward another; smokescreens tend to pile issues on or to make them more extremely complicated until the original is lost in (verbal) “smoke” (Moore & Parker, 2007, p.160).

These are all methods that people who are opposed to Reformed Theology use to disprove its scriptural validity. Recently all of these were used against me and my husband. What really infuriates me is when someone tries to discredit me publically on a social networking site by using these logical fallacies instead of just dealing with the issue at hand, Calvinism. These same people claim to be “acting in love”, and try to appeal to flattery in personal emails with things like “you have been such a great encouragement to me”, or “you are such a godly woman”, or this one “you have greatly inspired me”. Yet in the same proverbial breath, they slander me publically and insinuate that I am a liar and hateful and acting unloving towards them. Oh really? Because your attitude or public behavior betray your confession of Christ and what was said to me moments or days before in private!

Please hear (or read) me clearly…

I am not attacking the “Arminianist” personally, I seek to attack and refute the doctrines they hold to as false, heresy and unscriptural! I refuse to get into some sort of personal war with anyone; however, I refuse to shirk away from defending the Gospel! When it comes to any (and all) social networking websites I am a member of, when and if I choose to remove a person from a “friend’s list”, I am not obligated to give and explanation and the person removed is not entitled to an explanation. Again, I do not like to appeal to emotion, and abhor when people appeal to me with emotion, relationships, or flattery in order to gain favor with me. Division amongst the brethren is always inevitable when one group is entrenched in false teachings. I have yet to hear anyone actually address the issue of refuting Calvinism without resorting to one, more or all of the logical fallacies listed above. When this continues to be the case with the same people, I simply walk away. I am fully aware that only God can reveal Truth to someone, so it won’t matter how much talking, writing, debating, or arguing I do. If God doesn’t reveal the Truth to someone, then I cannot impart to someone what they don’t already have. A great friend told me that last part not so long ago, and I was reminded of how true that is recently.

So, to ALL my readers, and those who may have just found this blog, I am CHRISTIAN. I hold to the Doctrines of Grace because I do not have the luxury of unbelief anymore. The song “Amazing Grace” makes so much more sense than it ever did. I did not choose God, HE CHOSE ME, and I refuse to let anyone take credit for my conversion, or tell me that I “co-labored with God” to seal my salvation. It infuriates me because I have a passion for Truth because I know in the most personal of ways how the Doctrines of Grace work in theory AND in practice! The Five Solas say it all:

Sola Scriptura ("by Scripture alone")

Sola Fide ("by faith alone")

Sola Gratia ("by grace alone")

Solus Christus or Solo Christo ("Christ alone" or "through Christ alone")

Soli Deo Gloria ("glory to God alone")

Gossip is also another way of slandering a person’s character. This can actually be considered “poisoning the well”. Those who feel the need to find a link between their removal from my friend’s lists on a social networking website and the removal of another person, have way too much idle time on their hands. Again, an appeal to emotion is always the means by which they try to “stick it to me”. I get several comments like “You are not being loving”, or “how is that showing Christ-like love by removing me from “INSERT SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE’S NAME HERE” friend’s list”. I don’t see anything in scripture that condemns me from doing so. It is simply a “social networking website”…don’t make it more than that, or someone might think you are being an idolater. There is always email, or snail mail, or ever tried a phone call? That would require a person actually speak to someone else…wouldn’t want to get that intimate would we now? If a person has an issue with me, personal or not, and chooses to remove me from a friend’s list, then that is their issue, not mine, unless they make it mine by emailing me with the reason why. Even in that case my feelings won’t be hurt because it is THEIR friend’s list. Also, being on a friend’s list or not being on a friend’s list, DOES NOT DICTATE who is or isn’t a friend of someone. What in the world did we do before myspace, facebook, twitter and all of the other social networking sites? Oh that’s right; WE ACTUALLY GOT TO KNOW PEOPLE PERSONALLY! This means that one would have a phone call or write letters, but what would not be a surprise would be one’s position on just about any subject.

It is not unloving, or ungodly to remove someone from a social networking websites friend’s list. Having to even address this topic seems very juvenile and ridiculous. I have removed people for insinuating that I must be demonically possessed for me to continue to have miscarriages, then there was one lady who decided to insinuate that my Jesus died on the cross to heal me of my physical afflictions with miscarriages, and then there are those who blatantly say that I am in a cult and under false teachings for being a Calvinist, and go so far as to get nasty and use some of those logical fallacies mentioned above in personal emails. Then there are people my husband tells me to remove because he sees how it affects me personally and causes unwarranted anguish for me. Often times, should I choose to offer an explanation, it really does not matter. The person who has been removed has already made up their mind that I am the wicked witch of the South and therefore nothing I say could lighten the blow. This is why many times I offer no explanation, because no matter what the explanation is, the person simply disregards it and goes on a gossiping and slandering tour or just wallows in their flesh barking off things like “oh how could a Christian delete me?”. I can assure you that making any decision to remove a person from a friend’s list is not something I do spontaneously or rashly, it is well thought out and discussed with my husband ahead of time. I do not like being baited, toyed with, attacked indirectly (attacking me directly is at least being bold enough to face me and I can respect that) or lured in by deceitful measures.

So in closing, I do not and will not attack a person personally for any reason. What I will do is logically and Biblically attack one’s position, should it be in opposition to what that scriptures reveal as Truth. The most loving thing any Christian can do is to correct someone who is in error. To not correct, rebuke, or reproof is the most unloving thing a professing Christian can do. With that said, love is not some warm fluffy feeling that needs to be sought after in an effort to maintain friendships or fellowship, or to be upheld in order to maintain peace when there is a huge elephant of error sitting smack dab in the middle of the room with its rear end pointing squarely in your face. I have a husband who is well aware of the attacks I receive from blogs I post, or things I post on social networking sites, and he takes those attacks very seriously, and also takes his duty to protect me very seriously from vicious prideful women who keep on attacking because they have a love for the last word. It is almost as if the person removed from my friend’s list has had their pride so wounded that their knee jerk reaction is to act in a manner that betrays their confession by spitting out lies about me or railing hateful accusations, none of which can be substantiated. I am not above reproof, but not one woman has ever showed me Biblically in context where I have acted in a manner that is unbiblical. Let me say this again, removing someone from a friend’s list is not a sin and not unbiblical. It is MY friend’s list, and I choose who I want on it, and choose who I don’t want on it, just as anyone else has that very same right. I will actually DEFEND your right to delete me for no reason at all. I will not gravel or come harassing you should you choose to remove me from a friend’s list. I will not mention anything publically anywhere about it, and surely would not stoop so low to “name names” publically either as to who deleted me. I COULD CARE LESS! It really is not an issue for me as it is for some people who evidently have some sort of emotional attachment to a stinking friend’s list.

I know my words sound harsh, but they are words that must be said in order to set the record straight on positions that evidently people who called me “friend” didn’t know I held to. “Friend” is also not a word that I lightly throw around. If I call you friend it is because I have let my guard down and let you in. Now, there are levels of affection I have towards people, and I do guard my heart because of this very issue. I am not carefree with my friendships and take them seriously when entering into them. Even if I break fellowship with someone, I still love them and pray for them. I do not harbor hateful feelings, resentment, bitterness or unforgiveness. That does not mean that I remain freely open to the person I have removed, while they are always welcome to call me, write to me or email me, but if I have removed a person from a social networking site, it means that I no longer want them there. Simple as that. If offense is taken, then I cannot control how one reacts or “feels” about it, the choice is up to the other person. Like I said before, no matter what explanation I give, I am the evil party without any way to be redeemed. And once the lies and ridiculous behavior begins, why would I think of “re-friending” that person. It only confirms that I was correct in removing them in the first place.

I do pray that while this sounds harsh, that those who truly know me, will understand that I speak all of this in an effort to set the record straight on what I believe, why I believe what I believe and why I do the things I do. My feelings will not be wounded should I lose most if not all of my audience.

Serving God and My Family,

Crystal <>< (SAHM)

Resources

Copi, I.M. & Cohen, C. (2002). Introduction to logic. 11^th Ed. Prentice Hall: New Jersey

Moore, B.N. & Parker, R. (2007). Critical thinking. 8^th Ed. McGraw-Hill: Boston.