Sleepless at 3am and just couldn’t figure out why I was so awake, although very much in need of sleep. I could feel the baby moving and kicking, but it wasn’t that keeping me awake. Then my mind wondered to the debate over whether or not the Bible mandates Christians to homeschool. Then it went into worldviews…my mind was all over the place. I decided instead of lying in bed, or tossing and turning rather, I would get up and get on the computer. I kept asking the Lord “ok, why am I awake? Is there something you want me to do?” No answer.
A new friend on facebook left me a comment saying she had read my testimony that I had referred her to earlier in the evening, so I went over to browse through my blog. WHAM ! It hit me like a ton of bricks! What day is it today? October 10th. Now, I understand for most people this date may not have a significant meaning, but for me this day is the day my life ended.
As I sit here now typing the tears are just about ready to flow. The enemy crouching in to attack, as he always does on this day. (I am pregnant and already quite the ball of emotions, which I affectionately refer to as my “Holy Hormones Batman!”) Six years ago today, on October 10, 2004 I committed suicide. I say I “committed” rather than “attempted” because by all accounts I was very much successful because I did die. I don’t think it is possible to fully explain the emotions, thoughts and feelings that invade my mind and heart on this particular life event of mine. What I can say is that the Lord captured my heart and forced me to submit to His will, and oh how grateful I am!
I look at all that the Lord has done in me, and while I do see the vast difference in who I am today as opposed to who I was on October 10, 2004, I am also utterly aware that the Lord is not done with me. I am constantly reminded of my sin and shortcomings. I am even more aware of the fact that I am still in need of a Savior. Oh blessed Savior! Even now, I find myself needing Him every second of every day. He sustains me.
Every blessing the Lord has given me, my wonderful husband, my sweet children, provision, the one blessing that will never escape my conscience is my life. Not just my physical life, but the life the Lord granted me through His sacrifice. I sit here in this dark apartment, the only light is the light from my computer screen, and I hear the sleeping chuckles of my Charlotte. She laughs in her sleep all the time. I know it may seem as though I am totally getting off topic, but I assure you, I am going somewhere with this. Even the laughter in my home from small children causes my heart to leap with jubilee. I say this because it reminds me that I am very much alive. I do not have brain damage; although I am sure some would argue that, and quite honestly I should. While I do at times feel old as the months move closer to my 30th birthday, I am very much alive, physically and spiritually.
The Lord has done amazing things in my life, even in the little things, like not being able to sleep and being up writing this blog and hearing the sweet sleeping chuckles of my two year old.
The Lord has been good to me, and I give Him all the praise and ALL the glory. I did not raise myself from the dead and I know that I did not choose the Lord out of my own free will. Even the faith that I have now is given from Him. I am humbled by His grace, and still not worthy of receiving it.
Lord, forever keep me humble.
Should you want to read my testimony, you can go here. Start from the oldest post and work your way up.
Serving God and My Family,
Crystal <>< (SAHM)
1 comment:
Hugs from far away!
Post a Comment