Blessed Beyond Measure

I suspect that every year people use a particular day or week to reflect on their lives and give thanks for all the Lord has done.  This is my week for reflection.  I have shared with you all for the past several years about my testimony and how the Lord saved me (You can read through the posts here).  Last night we attended a new Reformed FIC church for worship and fellowship and we (Malachi and I) were given an opportunity to share our testimonies.  As I was giving a bit of background on my childhood and young adult life I got to the part of my testimony where I killed myself: October 10, 2011, and it dawned on me that the next day (today) would be that anniversary.  Wow. Seven years ago today I took my life.

Moment of Silence.

Remembering all of this brings with it a very heavy sense of reality.  Had the Lord not saved me that day, I would be in hell.  I was not saved then, although I did say the “Sinner’s Prayer” and was baptized at the age of 12 or 13.  I’ve known for years now that I was not saved then, and wasn’t saved when I committed suicide.  I hated God.  My life was never a reflection of His presence in me.  I was an unregenerate filthy heathen that only lived to satisfy myself.  Yeah, I wore the cross, and could quote John 3:16 but I did not “know” the Lord as my personal Lord and Savior.  I was still a slave to sin.  God’s wrath was upon me and I was at enmity with Him every single day.  I abused narcotic medication.  I found comfort in alcohol and was a sexual deviant.  I was disgustingly depraved and had no inclination that I was; remember, I said the “Sinner’s Prayer”.  I owned a Bible with my name engraved on the front cover that I purchased when I was 15 or 16 – never read it.  I gave the illusion that I was a Christian by merely saying “Yeah, I’m a Christian”; but had absolutely no idea what that meant and was never encouraged to find out nor was I ever encouraged or instructed on how to live as Christ.  Being a “Christian” in my family or in my circle of friends was more like being an LSU Tigers fan; it just happens to be the team I associate myself with.  I was not a “real” team player. 

The Lord chose to save me.  Why? I did not, and still do not, deserve it.  I did nothing to merit His compassion.  In fact, I did everything to merit His wrath.  I can speak with absolutely certainty that He saved me for His glory alone.  He proved Himself Sovereign and merciful the day He opened my eyes (literally) to His presence.  My initial reaction to being alive was anger and then when He made His presence known, despair and shamefulness.  I was ashamed of what I was compared to Who He Is.  He softened my heart and brought me to repentance.  He loved me first and chose me to be His own.  I was fully aware of depth of my depravity which also made it quite clear as to the magnitude of His grace and mercy.  

Here I am, seven years later alive, and more importantly alive in Christ.  I am no longer a fake or fraud.  I know Christ and live my life to glorify Him alone.  I know what the scriptures say now, and by His grace I can obey Him.  When I stumble, He is faithful to restore me to an upright position.  He has blessed me with a loving Godly husband who protects me as a husband should.  I am the blessed mother of 8 children and the Lord has allowed me to keep 3 of them to raise up in the fear and admonition of the Lord.  My past is always in the forefront of my mind, reminding me of the Lord’s goodness and mercy.  I did not and still do not deserve His compassion.  Soli Deo Gloria!

Father God, I thank you that you saved me and that You continue to shape and mold me into the imagine of Your Son, Jesus Christ.  Please keep me humble before You, and may You alone receive the Glory and Praise for my life. In Your Son’s Holy Name, Amen.

“So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy.”

Romans 9:16

Serving God and My Family,

Crystal <>< (SAHM)