Anxieties

"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:10

I am not a “new mom”, as I have two other little ones running around, BUT, I do experience the “new mom” jitters or anxieties.  Over the past week anxiety about Malachi returning to work has become my constant companion.  I am prone to worrying and struggling with anxiety and have battled it since I was a young child, although over the years I have gotten better at managing it and communicating with my husband when I am becoming particularly overwhelmed by anxiety.  

After having Sofia nearly 5 years ago, I dealt with a pretty bad case of postpartum depression, and when Malachi went back to work the anxiety I felt about being alone with the new baby was very overwhelming.  Fast forward to when I had Charlotte 26 months later, I didn’t have time to worry about how I was feeling because I had just birthed a child with a heart condition.  So with Charlotte my focus was totally on her and not one ounce was on me, which is why I was in a zombie type state for the first year of Charlotte’s life.  Now here we are, with my sweet Ellie in the world, and everything is perfect; yet I still battle the same old anxieties about Malachi going back to work and leaving me here to care for three children.  It may sound silly to some to have moments of panic when the reality of the responsibility starts to bare down on one’s shoulders, but for me it causes much anxiety and worry.  

I take my role as a mother quite seriously, and it is the reason for many of the decisions Malachi and I make in regards to how our children will be raised.  We both feel more prepared and better equipped this time around at making our demands known and setting boundaries that we did not think to set before.  With this I think brings worry about how others, particularly family, will react to these new boundaries or methods for raising our children.  I am by no means a “people pleaser”, but I also don’t thrive on drama, and in fact abhor it.  So, not only do I battle the normal worries that are accompanied by the prospect of my husband going back to work, but I worry about other people as well…which in reality I understand is irrational because I cannot control how others respond to how Malachi and I live our lives.  

Lately I have been seeking the Lord more to help me with these feelings of anxiety, and the most common verse that comes to mind is the “be anxious for nothing” verse.  In fact, I am sure many of you as you read this are thinking of leaving that verse in the comment section as a way to encourage me.  However, today Isaiah 41:10 was brought to my attention:

"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I have read this verse a million times before, but never has it meant more to me than right now.  I know that when Malachi goes back to work on Tuesday I will more than likely have a bit of a meltdown, but even in that moment I know the Lord is with me.  Oh how silly we can be when our emotions try to take hold of our reality and cause us to see the world through distorted lenses.  My heart knows the Lord is with me, and that He alone is my strength, but oh how quickly that can be dismissed when I have crazy hormones running rampant which cause my emotions to get carried away.  It isn’t even Tuesday yet, and I am already fretting over how the day will go without my beloved husband here to support me through it.  

Adjustment.  No one likes it, and everyone struggles with it at some time or another.  Some manage better and adjust with ease, and others, like myself, struggle through it as though I were going to labor all over again…although my labor this time with Ellie was short and sweet.  Maybe my labor and delivery with her is an indication for how life will play out once Malachi is back at work and life brings our new “normal”?  I won’t know the answer to this until Tuesday. 

The fear of the unknown.  I think this is what captures most of what I worry about; the unknown.  How will I manage with two little ones running around and a nursing newborn?  Indeed I will manage like the women before me, by the strength of the Lord, but I know this in theory and not in practice at the moment.  I would guess that many mothers feel this way after having a new baby, regardless of the birth experience.  The anxieties and demands of the day, month, and year can often times prove to be extremely overwhelming, but in the end, all we can do is trust in the Lord and rely on Him with complete abandon.  He has determined our path and blessed us with these sweet children, and we must stand strong in the faith because our children’s souls are at stake.  

Putting things back into perspective.  As I write this blog, I am using it to get my thoughts out on how I am feeling which ultimately forces me to take the focus off of me and put it back on the Lord and the mission at hand.  My mission?  Raising a Godly seed for the glory of the Lord is my mission.  Often times this mission becomes clouded with pity parties that are ignited by my own pathologies.  I am thankful that the Lord uses those imperfections to prove Himself faithful in my life.  I am not alone, not even for a nanosecond.  I know that I have a supportive husband who will do everything in his power to help me make a smooth transition on Tuesday.  I also know the Lord will be with me throughout the day.  I know that it may be rough at first, but eventually the schedule will level out, and I will become acquainted with this new normal of having three little ones to care for while my husband is working.

My hope is that I will make the transition of Malachi going back to work gracefully, but I also know that it make take some time to get used to.  I pray that my husband and children will bear with me as I may have some weepy days of frustration with myself.  I pray that even in those times I see the joy in my days and praise the Lord for blessing me so.

Serving God and My Family,

Crystal <>< (SAHM)