It's Not All About Me - Addressing the "Sacred Me Time" Issue

The weeks are long and the days are often times long as well, but relying on the Lord for everything is what gives me the strength to persevere with a joyful and thankful heart.

Mothering two small children especially when one has chosen to stay at home full time can be a lonely undertaking. It seems to me that this may be one area within the Church that is being neglected. So many older women with older children are so over scheduled that they completely forget that there are young mothers that may need guidance and help from time to time. Paul tells the older women of the Church that they are to teach the younger women to love their husbands and love their children (Titus 2:4). In teaching younger women to love their husbands and children this may encompass how to manage a home and how to care for children and how to be an obedient wife. However, what I am seeing and experiencing is that these older women are nowhere to be found. In my own circumstances I have to teach myself how to do all of these things, with much frustration at times.

The internet is a source for most young women in finding encouragement and help with the details of being a wife and mother. This can be frustrating because sometimes it is better to have someone in the flesh present to help with guidance. There are many great books by great Christian women who are addressing this very issue. It is sad that there is even a need for someone to write a book on how to manage a home and care for babies. Young Christian wives and mothers thrive on the latest “manual” to help them figure out how to manage it all without getting overwhelmed and frustrated.

Another aspect of this that is very disturbing to me are the older women who tell the younger women they need “me time”. These older women tell younger women that they “need” time away from their husbands and children to “re-group”. This “me time” often requires them to have the father stay at home with the children while she goes to hang out and gaggle with other Christian women. It paints this time as a “need” or “entitlement” to be an effective wife and mother, so that if a young mother has to turn down the invitation she feels embarrassed or feels as though an injustice has been done to her which leads to bitterness and resentment towards who or whatever is keeping her from this “me time” (which is undoubtedly her husband and children). Anyone else see the danger in this?

Younger women seek out other younger women for solace and encouragement. “If they are struggling and I am struggling, then it must be normal”. I would say most women when they get together with other women in the same season of life think this very thought. They just settle for “this is just how it’s going to be until my kids are grown and gone”. What a dreary and terrible way to look at motherhood. I hear women say, “I went out with ‘the girls’ last night…without the kids! It was great!” This also disturbs me because without actually coming out and saying it, says that “my children are a burden to my own personal comforts that I am entitled to”. Let me at this point say that we are NOT entitled to anything! We are not even entitled to the very breath we breathe. We are not entitled to our salvation, so what would make anyone believe that we are entitled to “me time”? When I counsel women on this subject I try very hard to get to the heart of the matter. If the mother is becoming burned out or exhausted, then I assure them that “that is normal”. Being a mother, especially of small children is exhausting. It is work! It is work that is geared towards shepherding a child’s heart in the direction of serving Jesus Christ. That is very hard work and may not allow for “me time”…ever!

I see absolutely NO place in scripture that says “You need to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else”, or “Girl, you need to get rest or you won’t be any good to your family”. When these statements are spoken, the very person who is giving the advice 99% of the time is not the one lining up at the door to watch your small children so you can “get the rest you need to be of any good to your family”. What they are actually saying is, “tell your husband he needs to watch the kids so you can sleep or hang out with other Christian women for awhile”, even if he himself is exhausted. It sets up a woman to become selfish under the guise of “I need or am required to have a, b, or c to be an effective good Godly wife and mother”.

Often times when another Christian woman tells a mother of small children they need this “me time” they slip in the question, “Can’t anyone in your family help you out so you can get some rest or just get out of the house for a little while?”. As Christians we are all part of the same family, the Body of Christ. So, in asking this question to another Christian woman, you have effectively volunteered your services! Now I understand I am stepping on some toes, and maybe those toes need to be stepped on in order to reveal the true nature of “me time”.

Liberal Feminism has crept into the Church and in some regards unnoticed, and I believe this concept of “me time” is part of Satan’s agenda to get us all as individuals to focus on ourselves rather than dying to self and serving our families as service to the Lord. I am sure we all know that our “rest” comes from the Lord. When a woman is the mother of small children, this rest is sometimes not as often as she may like or be used to. Why aren’t the older women teaching the younger women how to manage all of this without needing time away from her husband and children? Isn’t that the very same thing the liberal (unbelieving) feminists and world tell the unbelievers; that all women are entitled to “lives of their own separate from the husbands and children in order to be truly fulfilled”?

Serving God is not about us. We only have a very small amount of time with our children in order to mold and shape them into a people who will serve and honor God. Why would we squander any of that precious time away for a few more minutes of sleep, time away to walk the mall, or spend time with anyone else? The objection would be “Well, I need time to have adult conversation with other women”. Really? Who says? And what will that conversation revolve around that it can’t happen in front of your children while you care for them? The problem is that we have allowed in some small way the belief in our minds that our children really are a burden. If one feels they “need” or are “entitled” to have this time away from their families, then the obvious conclusion to form is that in some way children are a burden, as are husbands.

In my own life, there is no where I would rather be than at home with my husband and children. There is no one that I would rather spend my time with than my husband and children. This is not because I am more holy than the next; it is simply the heart that I see we are to have based on scripture. God has entrusted these tiny hearts in my care and my husband in my care as well, and it is a FULL TIME job, in which I may get rest and I may not. I am not entitled to it. God knows exactly what I can and can’t handle. It is HE who provides for my every need and that is even in the department of rest. I have to guard my heart and my family from ANYTHING that would seek to infiltrate and destroy it. In my opinion “me time” is that which would seek to destroy my family.

Now, I am not saying that if something were to happen where it was afforded to me to have a few moments out of the house, that by taking it I am sinning. What I am saying is that having the mindset or having your heart set on this “me time” or allowing yourself to become bitter or resentful when you don’t get “me time” is wrong. It is simply unrealistic to think that someone will always provide a means for you to go out and have “me time”. It is no one else’s responsibility to care for your children or husband so you can go “play”.

I see absolutely NO scriptural basis that would support this attitude that I am required or even need “me time”. There will be much time for rest when we are in the presence of the Almighty for eternity. If there be any need for “me time” it should be focused on our relationship with Christ. However, we don’t have to “sneak away” to spend time with the Lord. This can be done all throughout the day between diaper changes, breastfeeding, playing with the children, preparing supper, washing clothes, caring for our husbands, ironing clothes, mending bumped knees, carrying for a sick baby or even in the wee hours of the night when baby is awake for the millionth time.

I have been reading the book “Passionate Housewives Desperate for God” written by Mrs. Jennie Chancey and Mrs. Stacy McDonald. In chapter 2 “You Mean It’s Not All About Me?” Mrs. McDonald addresses this very issue in such a way that it encourages me to know that I don’t have to have this sacred “me time” in order to keep my sanity while being the mother of young children who gets little to no rest. I highly recommend this book to young mothers, and older mothers. It is such a refreshing book written by two women who love the Lord and their families.

The entire issue of “me time” revolves on the motives behind requiring time away from the family. Mrs. McDonald says this about biblical motherhood on page 21:

“The truth is that biblical motherhood doesn’t mean we’re promised postcard-perfect days where we lounge together with our little ones on the porch swing in white starched dresses sipping lemonade and singing in harmony. Homegrown children take a lot of hard work – and sometimes “it ain’t pretty.” Other times, it’s breathtaking.

Biblical motherhood means sacrifice, selfless love, and faithful dedication. It means we’re there with our families – body, mind, and spirit. To recognize our purpose in motherhood, we must see the godly generation beyond our own children (Genesis 24:60, Deuteronomy 4:9, 7:9). This means denying ourselves (Matthew 16:25) and being consumed with God and His love for us. It means starting each morning on our face in repentance and thanksgiving, pleading for His grace and for the strength to glorify Him in our daily endeavors. It means loving God more than we love our children – and consequently, He will equip us to truly love them and prepare us to serve them through Christ our Lord. It means impacting future generations by our faithfulness now.

We must die to self on a minute-by-minute basis.”

I have my own bad days but the good days outweigh even the worst of days. I know that I am impacting the souls of my children by sacrificing all of me to glorify God. This life isn’t about me; it never was and never will be. When I keep my focus on pleasing God and honoring Him with my life, then caring for my husband and children; even through the sleepless nights and lonely frustrations that will inevitably come, brings me much joy as I look down the scope of time and am able to see the fruits of my labor by bringing up children who honor and serve God self sacrificially.

Serving God and My Family,

Crystal <>< (SAHM)