As a Christian woman, wife and mother, this life, if I take my focus off of the Lord (even for a second sometimes) can be overwhelmingly impossible to manage. It seems just when I get think I have something figured out or mastered; the grim reality of my depraved self rears its ugly head. This makes me all the more grateful for God’s grace and forgiveness. I know that when this life, family, friends, my body, and everything else fail me, my God will never fail me. Without His grace, hope would be a fairy tale that only exists in daydreams. When the storms come, and they will come, I can hold fast to God’s word and know rest in knowing He is Sovereign over all things, and is not surprised by my circumstances. I understand and take great joy in knowing that my suffering is being used for His glory.
While brainstorming what I would write about today, my Bible was sitting next to me opened to Philippians, and I noticed some underlined verses…of course totally appropriate for the season I am in. Philippians 1:29 Paul says; “For to you it has been granted for Christ’s sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake…” This comes shortly after when Paul says those famous words “For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain” (v. 21). Then in chapter 2 verse 13 Paul says, “for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure”. I don’t know about you, but for me these verses (and many others) bring my focus back to Christ and off of my current struggles. It reminds me that God is in total control and my life is being used to glorify Him. It reminds me that my life is not about me, but about Jesus Christ. Within the above verses Paul very simply describes what our lives are about and Who is in control of them, God. It is for His sake that we are granted a belief in Him, and it is for His sake we will suffer in this life. It is also Him alone that allows us to have the will to live for Him; in spite of the suffering we endure.
Many of you know that recently I suffered another miscarriage. Losing a child, no matter the stage of life the child was in, is indescribably the worst pain I have ever experienced. The only pain worst than losing a child would be losing my husband. I cannot imagine suffering the loss of a child without Malachi. While the heartache caused from losing a baby may feel unbearable, having Malachi with me helps to keep things in perspective. Grieving the loss of each baby never stops; it becomes less painful as time passes. Kind of like an old injury leaves a scar, and some scars when passed over are more sensitive than others, that is how it is for me and the miscarriages I have had. The wound to my heart from losing a child can only be healed by the Lord. There is always a scar, but even as sensitive as it is for me when I think back on the loss, the scar is a blessed reminder of God’s Sovereignty in my life and in the life of my children. It is another reminder that God is the Author, Sustainer, and Finisher of life. If everything done in my life and in the life of an unbeliever is determined by God for His glory, so goes with the life of the unborn. It brings me great peace and joy to know that if my babies aren’t with me, they are with the One who created them, resting safely in His presence. Do I grieve? You cannot possibly imagine the grief I feel. Do I rejoice? MOST DEFINITELY! Everything God does is good and just, and that alone gives me reason to rejoice in all that He does in my life. Without knowing Jesus Christ I could not have the joy I have when trials and suffering bust down my door.
So, for all those who have been wondering, I am doing well. I am covered in God’s grace and mercy, what could steal my joy? I am thankful for all of the prayers, emails and comments left of encouragement during this difficult time. I am still grieving, in my own way of course, however, I am excited to see what God will do in my life next. Malachi and I are still praying and hoping for another baby. We praise Him when He gives and when He takes away, because He alone is worthy. We did discuss everything with Sofia and she seemed to understand perfectly that the baby is no longer in mommy’s tummy, but is now in Heaven with Jesus. When she saw me react to the news from the doctor on the phone by crying uncontrollably, she sat next to me and said “Oh Mommy, it’s alright, I love you, don’t be sad”. She is a precious child and I am so very thankful that God sees me fit to be her mother! Charlotte, of course, is too little to have any idea what is going on, but is as adorable as ever!
Malachi’s mother is visiting us for a little while, and having her here is such a blessing. It is nice to have an older Christian woman in my home to talk with. While getting her here was stressful, it was worth it. She had been in England for the past 5 months visiting Malachi’s sister. She lives in Arizona and will visit with us for a while before heading home to her husband who eagerly awaits her arrival. Sofia and Charlotte love having their GiGi here for a visit. I was able to make the entire Thanksgiving supper for all of us and a friend who joined us. It was a great day! I have so much to be thankful for! Now we are preparing for Christmas. You can check out my posts on Christmas here.
Again, thanks to all who have lifted us up in prayer during this difficult time. We are pressing forward and continuing to run hard after Christ!
“Yes, and I will rejoice, for I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayers and the provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, according to my earnest expectation and hope, that I will not be put to shame in anything, but that with all boldness, Christ will even now, as always, be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.”
1 Philippians 1:18-21
Serving God and My Family,
Crystal <>< (SAHM)
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